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A Practical way to Help the Homeless – Right Now

By: Motormensch

Believe me, I’m not the social conscious of Trash Vent… I think even Stiffler (our head honcho/writer) could picture me laughing at most misfortune. Yup, indeed I do. Alas, that’s what writing affords people like me – a chance to be the bastard they always wanted to be.

Truth be told, practicality is usually my mantra. When I was growing up in Los Angeles, I saw many homeless living out of their cars. I had little pity for car dwellers and had no idea that they were towed often (it was like a joke for the local constabulary – it still is). Once the vehicle was towed, the homeless became shelter-less.

When I started working at my family’s wrecking yards, several cars came in (daily) that once belonged to homeless people and homeless families. It was practical I thought: cars left unlicensed, unused and creating an eyesore are now easy revenue for the city and my family. I mean, you don’t want a nasty old van cluttering up your neighborhood – right?

This sucked and I knew it…

In time, I wore blinders to the problem and became so callus that I looked at homelessness as a plight on society. Honestly, I had no idea I could be such a cold-hearted putz. In time, and with maturity and my sweet socially conscious wife, I began to see homeless people as humans rather than objects and remembered the multitude of vehicles we crushed at my family’s business.

Those vehicles used to be people’s homes.     

My pain-in-the-ass sister-in-law did something remarkable. She began working for a group that provides mobile shelters for the homeless. This is a quick, practical solution. Basically, it’s kind of like a shopping cart that transforms into a comfortable, secure sleeping place/shelter for one person.

Think of it as a tent on wheels. There are external storage compartments and a locking system for security. Plastic windows and a door are part of this simple and elegant system. The robust skin of the EDAR tent protects the occupant in foul weather and is quite spacious.

To me, it addresses an issue immediately that others (read: fat-head politicians) would drag through the mud – slowly. This is to say that people who need help (like: right now) get something quickly. I’ve seen several mass group shelters, they are not ideal for many homeless who (for one reason or another) are transient.    

The people from EDAR (Everyone Deserves a Roof) say: “Each year, more than 3 million people experience homelessness in the United States, including 1.3 million children.” That statistic always gets me… and it is a sad truth.

This is by no means a permanent solution for the homeless in our country. Still, this is a great way to immediately make a dent into their misfortune and start the preverbal wheels turning in the right direction. Word of mouth can truly help.

So, if you have a moment, drop by the website or check out one of the links below. I think simply mentioning this idea to a few people can help. If nothing else, there’s always some pain-in-the-ass sister-in-law (or the equivalent) that one of us has who means well and wants a good cause to volunteer for. Take it from me and MY pain-in-the-ass sister-in-law; this is a damn good, practical cause.

Happy holidays!

 Photos via EDAR.org

XO Motormensch

www.edar.org

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/video?id=6549327

http://www.latimes.com/video/?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=3219562

http://www.ktla.com/pages/video/?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=3221047

For Skiers - It’s all good

By: Motormensch

Let me lay this on you, an image of you and three of your pals hitting the slopes for a weekend. Everything is packed and you rented the best fitting ski boots you’ve ever worn. With board (or skis) placed on your shoulder and your best impersonation of Shaun White cued up in your head – you make a b-line for the car.

Then it all goes wrong.

Oh crap! Your nifty car that zips in fair weather bogs down and leaves you stranded. You were doing so well without chains until you slid off/sank down/wiped-out/oozed-to-a-stop. Now, you and your friends are going to spend a chunk of your skiing time digging out… before it all happens again.

Improbable? Well, that happened to me about 20 years ago (without the Shaun Whitepart – I don’t think he was even born yet). I know it happens to many skiers. What’s more, it happens to surfers, climbers, kayakers and folks who just need to get to the store in inclement conditions. Now, add to all of that the possibility of getting lost (to the mountains, ocean, lakes, supermarket, etc.) and wanting a navigation system.

What to do?

There is the legendary Subaru brand, they are fairly economical and one of the cheapest all-wheel-drive (AWD) automakers around. Subaru’s Impreza 2.5i, the cheapest car from Subaru (without navigation), is going to be just under 19K with nothing on it ($500 less if you opt for the sedan).

There’s another company that has quite an international history with off-road vehicles and might just have the car for you. Enter please the Suzuki SX4 Crossover. This is a small, economical car that comes standard with many amenities including a navigation system.

Check it out: Standard navigation.

Sweet!

A 3 mode AWD system that allows you to switch from economical front-wheel-drive to traction adding AWD. Add to that a third selection that allows you to 4-wheel-drive for maximum traction on ice and snow.

Sweeter!

Having a hot-as-hell snow-bunny ask me details about the test model I drove (and me pretending that I still ski… which I don’t) and calling it cute.

Super Sweet!

Less than 18K for an AWD hatchback that has room for 5, gets the best mileage of any AWD in the states and has a killer warranty: “A fully transferable, zero-dollar deductible 100,000-mile/7-year powertrain limited warranty on all new vehicles sold after August 1, 2002.”

Sweetest!

The Suzuki SX4 Crossover is a breeze to drive. Lots of hip room for fat-bastards like me and decent seats make the SX4 Crossover an easy commuter. I have to say “crossover” because the other models like “Sport” and “Sedan” do not come with AWD. The 143 horsepower, 16-valve DOHC in-line four, 2.0 liter (with 136 lbs feet of torque) is an easy going motor that moves you through traffic smoothly. It’s no rocket, but it works well. Knowing Suzuki, it will last the duration of the long warranty.

What’s nice is the more than respectable high 20’s MPG, low 30’s if you take it easy. Last year, I drove one to high elevation and flew through the snow like a chimpanzee on crack (I had fun) and still managed to get in the mid 20’s MPG. The Suzuki SX4 does have a drag inducing AWD so competing with the likes of the Honda Fit and Nissan Versa isn’t the point.

The Suzuki is not the same type of vehicle as many econo-boxes. The body sits high on its springs for good articulation of its suspension. On the other hand, if you compete against the pricier, thirstier Subarus or small crossovers like the Hyundai Tucson SE 4WD – the Suzuki becomes a very compelling companion. 

It can swallow more than Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet (but it has a way better persona!)

The interior is in the same league as many economy hatches and small wagons. What I dig is the width of the SX4, as it allows for a lot more than you might think. It’s somewhat triangular and the wide opening rear is a cinch to pack. For its size, the rear seating area is great and I bet families with less than 5 would be comfortable inside. Oh, and DIG those port windows in front of the side mirrors! Way cool for maneuvering and parking.

I HAVEto tell you about the Suzuki SX4 Crossover’s slick little navigation system. It is easy enough for an AARP subscriber to figure out. If you pony up a little more cash, you can get MSN access and have a full onboard computer with internet access at your fingertips. When you need to bring the navigation on a hike (or just to look cool to your buddies), you can! Yup, just unsnap it from its base, grab the handy carrying case and allow it to run on its rechargeable battery for a few hours.

It’s about the size of the Apple iPhone.

As I said, I enjoyed bounding through the snow in the SX4 and even managed a few 4-wheel drifts around corners (if you watch WRC events, you know what I’m talking about)! With its wide stance, you have decent cornering stability. It reminds me of some of the Subarus I drove a few years back. With similar amount of body roll and ride height – without being as ugly as the current Impreza. The Suzuki SX4 is not meant to carve corners, but it is competent enough to be entertaining.

The bottom line is this: Do you want a cheap, economical, roomy, capable all-wheel-drive car with a fat warranty? Check out the Suzuki SX4 Crossover!

I would tell Shaun White, but something tells me he’s able to afford something a tad ritzier – like a Mercedes.

Photos courtesy of: Suzuki America

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you one hell-of-a good car for 2009!

Psssst – it’s a KIA!

By: Motormensch

Yup, while I was participating in the press days at the L.A. Auto Show, I came across a curious looking cube called the “KIA Soul.” I liked it straight off. In fact, I was kinda smitten. Not in a Jessica Alba in a bikini kind of way… more like a Rachel Weisz (cute outside, but the real good stuff comes from within.).

Whew, took me a while – that allegory…

I hate most cube cars. Let me say that again, I friggen hate the current batch of cube cars sold here! The original Scion xB was mildly amusing, its replacement is not. The Honda Element is great for functionality, but looks about as attractive as my prom date (just use your imagination).

The stylist at KIA actually made the Soul into something more-or-less interesting without being obnoxious. That’s a hard feat. What’s more, the internal configuration is very useable, eminently practical and somewhat stylish. Not to shabby for a car that should price in the $13,000 - $19,000 category (it’s an educated guess).

The base model Soul has a 1.6-liter, four-cylinder engine coupled with a five-speed manual transmission, which puts out about 120 horsepower. The Soul+, Soul! and Soul Sport have the optional (approximately) 140 horsepower 2.0-liter four-cylinder engine which is available with either the five-speed manual or a four-speed automatic transmission. Fuel economy for both engines is approximately 30 or more miles per gallon (highway, I believe). Still, that’s damn good.

Weight and towing were not available at press time; 2,900 lbs is my guess. If the KIA Soul can tow, it will most likely be around 1,000 lbs max. The more powerfulish140 horsepower 2.0 liter should keep the 0-60 times to less than 9 seconds. The less powerful, but more frugal, 1.6 4-banger ought to be above the 9 second mark. Straight-line speed will not be the KIA Soul’s forte… unless they introduce a turbo! Oooh, bring the 2.0 liter iron block (the 1.6 is aluminum) to about 200 horsepower and you would have something! All the same, it should zip around in either normally aspirated form with enthusiasm.

I was told by a buddy of mine (who tested the diesel version in Korea) that the good looking 18 inch wheels made the ride hard and didn’t help the handling much compared to the smoother 16 inch wheels. He had no qualms with the handling which he said was better than the current Scion box. I should note that this is the same guy who screamed like a kindergartener with a scraped knee when he rode in a Mazda RX8 (a car I consider tolerable). Oh, and if you were curious, there has been no announcement as to when the diesel or hybrid are coming here. I would imagine sometime after 2010.

Yup, mostly hard plastic. But it looks good.

KIA Soul has a major ace up its sleeve when it comes to interiors. Here’s KIA’s take, “The Soul’s interior design is decidedly influenced by the car’s highly specified audio system. An uncluttered dashboard with a three-dial instrument cluster, LCD illumination, a floating center stack design is the key visual feature and offers enticing access to the AM/FM/CD/MP3 audio system outfitted with SIRIUS Satellite Radio capabilities and three months complimentary service. Standard auxiliary and USB input jacks also can be found in the center console with full iPod^® controllability via the audio head unit and steering wheel controls.”

My take: this is a car that may appeal to drivers 18 – 88 years of age. No kidding, the seating position and instrument/control layout is nearly spot-on. Forget the stupid, poser-like center pod speedo or cup-holders that tear up your ankles in other car-boxes, this thing is a packaging champ. There is real room for 3 in the back and the storage is quite good. Despite its size, don’t let the box look fool you, this is a small car.

With an overall length of 161.6 inches and an overall width of 70.3 inches, the KIA Soul has a similar size to the Scion xB – minus about 7 inches in length. The Scion xB is 167.3 inches long. In fact, the KIA Soul is about an inch wider than the lowered mini-van looking xB. So, it is closer to the feel and look of the older (and better in my mind) xB. If KIA is smart, they will forego the silly youth campaign Scion has embarked on and simply show this unique little bugger to the masses. It is the first KIA I have met that would be worth owning on character alone. That’s saying something, EXACTLY the same way Samuel Jackson described the word character in “Pulp Fiction.”

Weather you decide to be real or a big fakie, the KIA Soul may be the car for you. And just in case you like saying you know cars (but don’t) and your KIA Soul conks out; KIA’s got you covered with one of the best warranties in the business.

In the KIA Soul, there is no reason to feel the need to FAKE counter culture, wear crappy looking baggy clothing, wear white sunglasses, wear your hat sideways, get a “tramp-stamp,” sport a “whale tail” (G-string constantly seen above the low-cuts) or even use the terms, “bounce,” “dawg,” “sup?” or anything else that stupid.

With this KIA Soul, I think it’s just enough fun for anyone who isn’t trying to act like “someone.”

But just in case you need to compensate for (ahem) something, there is enough room for huge speakers, amps, extra lights, 20 inch wheels, huge exhaust pipes, “original” paint schemes and a few inches for lowering.

Please god no!

Anyway, have a look and take a seat in a few months when the 2009 KIA Soul hits the showrooms. At the very least, I bet you’ll look at KIA differently. I know I am.

Is there any feeling like getting a new car? Well maybe a really nice luxury watch…but I would still take the car. For anyone who has been living under a rock for the past 5 months…you may not know what is going on. However for those of us that have not been taking hits from the bong we know that there is no better time to buy a car than right now.

Last week the 3 major OEM’s (FORD, GM, Chevrolet) went back to congress basically begging for another 25 Billion in relief funds so their companies would not fold and go under. Let me break it down like this if you still are not following what I am saying. If you are in the market to purchase a new vehicle, now is the time to do it. Most lease and finance rates are floating between 0-2%. Plus there are huge cash incentives just to take the car off the dealers lots. You can almost walk in these days and cut your own deal.

It would not surprise me to see most dealers go bankrupt by this time next year. Sad for business but great for buyers. If I only had the foreseight to wait till now to buy my car I would have saved a ton. But if you are looking to get yourself into a new vehicle now is the time to do it. Happy shopping everyone.

Special series Scuderia Spider 16M unveiled at World Finals in Mugello to
celebrate Prancing Horse’s 16th F1 Constructor’s title

Scarperia, November 9th 2008 – Ferrari has chosen to unveil the new Scuderia Spider
16M at the World Finals in Mugello in celebration of its recent victory in the Formula 1
Constructor’s World Championship 2008. This new high performance sports car
features the very best of Ferrari’s latest mid-rear-engined 8-cylinder technology. In fact,
the Scuderia Spider 16M is faster round the Fiorano circuit than any other Prancing
Horse open-top road car yet built. This truly evocative special series model, of which
just 499 unique examples will be produced, is aimed at the most passionate clients,
drivers who demand both exclusivity and superb driving pleasure.

The Scuderia Spider 16M is available in a choice of two new signature colour schemes:
the standard version is black with grey trim, while a tricolour livery is also available as
part of the Carrozzeria Scaglietti Personalisation Programme. The new car also sports a
special plaque on its rear grille commemorating Ferrari’s 16th Constructor’s World title.
The exclusivity of the interior is underscored by the silver “limited series” plaque just
above the air vents at the centre of the dashboard. Other exclusive features include a
roll-bar with carbon-fibre outer shell and a specific new generation audio system that
can be combined with the removable customised Ferrari iPod Touch 16 GB with
central dock just in front of the dashboard.

From a technical point of view, this car has a dry weight of 1340 Kg (80 kg lighter than
the F430 Spider). This, combined with the 510 hp provided by its V8 engine and a
power-to-weight ratio of 2.6 kg/hp, means that it delivers blistering 0-100 kph
acceleration in just 3.7 seconds and a superb top speed of 315 kph.
A new section dedicated to the Scuderia Spider 16M, complete of technical
specifications and images is available online at www.ferrariworld.com.

SCUDERIA SPIDER 16M - TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Engine
• Naturally aspirated mid-rear 90° V8, 4308 cc
• Maximum power output 375.4 kW (510 hp) at 8500 rpm
• Maximum torque 470 Nm (47.7 Kgm) at 5250 rpm
• Max engine speed 8640 rpm (at limiter)
• Compression ratio 11.9:1
• Bore and Stroke 92 mm X 81 mm
• Specific power output 118.4 hp/litre
Transmission
• Six-speed plus Reverse F1 gearbox
• Dry dual clutch
• Electronic differential E-diff + F1-Trac
• Oil gearbox lubrication with oil/water heat exchanger
Performance, fuel consumption, emissions
• Acceleration 0-100 km/h 3.7 s
• Maximum speed 315 kph
• Drive weight/power 2.6 kg/hp
• Fuel consumption 15.7 l/100 km (combined ECE)
• CO2 emissions 360 g/km (combined ECE)
Chassis and bodywork
• Car dimensions:
- Length 4512 mm
- Width 1923 mm
- Height 1216 mm
- Wheelbase 2600 mm
- Front track 1669 mm
- Rear track 1616 mm
• Dry weight * 1340 kg (-80 kg vs F430 Spider)
• Kerb weight * 1440 kg
• Weight distribution 43% front, 57% rear
• Fuel tank capacity 95 litres
• Independent front and rear forged aluminium double wishbone suspensions,
titanium helical springs, hollow anti-roll bars and lighter electronic shocks
• 398mm X 36mm carbon-ceramic material front brake discs with aluminium 6-pot
callipers
• 350mm X 34mm carbon-ceramic material rear disc brakes with aluminium 6-pot
callipers
• 19” five-spoke split rims front and rear
• Tyres: 235/35 front and 285/35 rear; Fabbrica Pirelli PZero Corsa only
Electronic control systems
• CST Stability and Traction Control System. Steering wheel-mounted manettino
with five settings to integrate the F1 gearbox, CST and F1-Trac (Stability and
Traction Control System), suspension control.
*Figures refer to the European market versions

Not what you would expect to see speeding down the freeway...

The true story of the Bird and Bull…

By: Motormensch

My family owns some of the largest wrecking yards in Sun Valley, California. The wrecking yards have been there for many years and they are the most recognizable yards in the world. Among the thousands of cars there to be picked clean, my uncle (owner of the wrecking yards) loved unusual spectacles to lure customers. Huge cannons, odd military vehicles, a 50 foot ghetto-blaster, monster trucks hoisted 40 feet in the air, massive arches from a defunct 1950’s car wash – anything for attention. 

Seriously, he was the PT Barnum of junk! 

One of the more unique displays he had were two bulls. Bulls I said – Brahma Bulls… Remember “Blazing Saddles” and the enormous bull Mongo rode? Yup, he had two of them locked in a pen in the middle of one of the wrecking yards. They were well taken care of and essentially ate and pooped all day long. The funny part: people would watch these things for hours!

His ploy worked.

Then, one day, (the mid 1990s) one of these massive creatures died. This was something he was not exactly prepared for. In true entrepreneurial fashion, he made the most out of the situation and told his right hand man (another uncle of mine) to find someone to STUFF the bull. That’s right – he wanted him to find a taxidermist.

After a quick flip through the yellow pages, a suitable (read: cheap/easy to find) specialist in the field of gutting and stuffing animals was located. My uncle made a quick cell-phone to cell-phone call to the taxidermist and was surprised at how cheap stuffing a bull was. He moved quickly and tasked one of his flatbed drivers with removal and transport of the enormous carcass. By this time, the bull had been dead for nearly a day.

Several hours later, my uncle got a car from the most pissed-off, dumbfounded taxidermist you’ve ever heard.

As you might imagine, there was a series of events and circumstances that led up to a major misunderstanding:  

• In the mid 90’s, cell phones had poor reception and bad sound quality (especially cell-phone to cell-phone). Words like “bull” can sound like other one syllable words like “bird.”
• It took time to get the information together. Rigor mortis set in and the 2000 lbs Brahma Bull stiffened up like iron. Remember the dead horse in the Dean’s office in “Animal House?” Yup, just like that. 
• Did I mention this happened in hot, muggy, humid Southern California – in summer? Do you know what happens to a carcass in heat and humidity? Think of a huge, expanding, smelly ball of week old, maggot infested, festering meat and you’re on the right track.
• We only had flatbed style tow trucks that had the capability to move this thing. The driver had to loop a cable around the bull’s front hooves and pull it aboard. He began praying to Santa Maria and crossed himself several times as he donned a handkerchief over his nose to block some of the stench.
• Working as quick as he could, the poor driver quickly (and haphazardly) covered the carcass with a tarp.
• The instructions given by the taxidermist stated that the business was run out of his home. A “box” was located in the back of the Santa Monica home, (adjacent to an alley) where the animal can be left along with payment. Apparently, the taxidermist was not coming home until early in the evening.
• The 2000 lbs Brahma Bull was deposited at the address; near a small mailbox sized container which he (the driver) quickly placed the payment check. After finishing, the driver made vapor trails moments after closing the box’s lid.   

I heard the rest of the story two ways: One was from the messages left on the business line from the stunned taxidermist who screamed at us to move the carcass immediately. Also, something about him shouting, “I though you said BIRD not BULL!” Apparently, he usually works with birds.

The other side of the story was from a series of police reports with unsubstantiated complaints.

According to those reports; a masked Latino driving a flatbed truck was seen careening at over 90 miles per hour down the 405 (San Diego) freeway. Supposedly, a bloated animal laying dead on the flatbed could clearly be seen by drivers as whatever was covering it was torn off (most likely due to the high speed driving). The carcass was sliding side to side as it was not fully secured to the bed. “Things” were comming off (or out of) the carcass.

It was said that the driver could be seen crossing himself repeatedly as he drove.

I never knew HOW the Brahma Bull was removed… but it was. Nor do I know the fate of the carcass as several days passed since its death making preservation of any sort difficult at best.

We never speak of it.

Some of the family sees very little humor in the event (while others have a hard time with gravity when laughing too hard while telling the tale). If you have a hard time believing this tale, go to the SE corner of Tuxford and Telfair (where the wrecking yard is) in Sun Valley and ask a few of the staff about the fate of the bulls that used to be at that wrecking yard. I think there are a few paintings dedicated to it.

This is one of those things best left un-said at my family dinners.    

By: Motormensch

Honda should be so lucky – they have the world by a string and still manage to bite their own hand with design. That’s right; and what I mean is styling, design, looks, beauty! Jeeze, have you seen the new Accord? Now, lie to me and say that you took a step back, smiled and said, “Hey, that’s a real sharp looking machine!” PLEASE!

Fortunately, they must have hired someone new to redesign the new Honda Fit. Unlike their other obscenely square, chunky, hap-hazard designs (Toyota has adopted too) the swoopy little Honda Fit’s looks are cohesive and handsome. At least they kept the superb front Honda seats; they’re still some of the best in the business.  

Have a big shopping load? Simply lift on of the rear seat bottom and plop it on the floor. G-d forbid you have a mother-in-law with a walker, oxygen tank, a bad hip and impetigo? No sweat, stuff her in one rear passenger seat while you lift the other one up to store her rolling oxygen tank and walker (with minimum contact!).  The Honda Fit’s fairly quiet cabin can drown out her complaints about your line of work.

Those rear seats are comfy too. I had no problem sitting behind my massive cousin Dove (who seriously needs to diet) when he drove. Honestly, he’s like a pasty, white Charles Barkley (with no sporting skills whatsoever). I think anyone could have a family of 4 and have no issues about loading kids and supplies – the Honda Fit is very roomy.

This is an economy car that kisses the ozone with sunshiny rainbows of love. Well, not exactly, but the Honda Fit gets good mileage and pollutes very little. Carbon footprint? Smootprint! Every car pukes hundreds of pounds of waste when being built.You should be happy enough with the good mileage this thing gets. I got 27 miles per gallon in urban driving and a little commuting, which was driving the automatic. The cheaper manual should do better.

The manual Honda Fit Sport I tested priced in at just under $17,000 ($800 more for the auto). I would call it mid-level kit and caboodle. These things price realistically from a $16K stripper to a completely loaded, every box checked model for a smidgen under $23K. Hey, don’t whine about the price; this is Honda quality – it’s worth the dough!

The117-hp, 1.5-Liter, 16-Valve SOHC i-VTEC Engine moves this little guy along just fine. It’s no S-2000; but like you need a zillion horsepower in an economy car? Besides, when you turn the feather light, electric power-steering wheel, it goes right where you tell it to. I actually began to giggle as I drove (and as my mother-in-law got ill). It’s a fun little number. Don’t be a putz! If you want a good, cheap, economical, utilitarian car that’s a hoot to drive (and you don’t want to be sickened by the ugly design) buy a Honda Fit!

There is a point here: In the car, keep your pets in kennels!

By: The Motormensch

Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD! This is about the funniest thing I’ve seen in months!

Generally, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when they look obnoxious in their vehicles. I mean, not EVERY guy driving an H1 or H2 is suffering from an inferiority complex – right?

Not every Paris Hilton wana-be in a Cadillac Escalade is a nitwit – right?

Oh, au contraire!

This past weekend, I was hanging out with my kid at the Red Bull Soap Box races near Denver Colorado. We had a hell of a good time and didn’t mind the crowds. Sure, some people were jerks, but that’s just part of a massive outdoor event. We left a bit early to beat the crowds and were just pulling away when it happened:

A woman in a brand new black Cadillac Escalade slammed into a guy driving his white H2!

It get’s better. See, it happened right next to us so I got a real good look at the drivers. The peroxide loving lady driving the Escalade was wearing those massive glasses that could cover a Grizzly’s face and had the prerequisite cell-phone tucked between her ear and shoulder. In her lap, head poking out the driver’s window (it’s almost too funny to keep typing) sat a small, rat that high fashioned folk call dogs.

It was sitting on her lap before she hit.

So, between the inconvenience of driving while talking; the driver misjudged the distance to the white H2 (did I mention the Hummer was adorned with several M’erican flags?).

There was no screech of rubber or even the hint of evasive maneuvers; she just smacked the Hummer going about 20 mph. The male owner, (all of 5’3” tall – I SWEAR!) leaped down from his mighty perch. His pale, pasty skin covered in crappy tattoos could not hide his lack of brawn nestled underneath his muscle tee. Still, he yelled like a banshee at the woman – who was still on the phone.

Seeing that they were okay and barely containing my laughter, I pulled away. It was at that very moment that I noticed that the dog was gone (Paris-wana-be began screaming for her dog “Cookie”). I saw that her driver’s side mirror was demolished by something that flew through it.

I never knew exactly what happened to the dog…

But, on my way home, I chocked back the tears of laughter as my kid was trying to describe a dog that flew past her like a boomerang!

Oh man, you just can’t make this stuff up folks!

Fiat 124 Coupe

Don’t be as stupid as I was!

By: The Motormensch

There are some fine points to rebuilding a car that I hope to impart to amateurs who are willing to blow their wad on an emotional choice. First of all – STOP! Stop and take stock of what you are about to do before you click the “Buy” selection on ebay, or at least think about what you are about to undertake.

I was in my early 20s and in college when I made my fateful mistake. Given my age and educational level – of course I knew everything. My uncle owned wrecking yards and I grew up working for him. So, I knew cars. Friends and I rebuilt carburetors, transmissions and suspensions, so I knew cars. I had built up everything from scooters to hotrods with guys who knew what they were doing – so I knew cars.

Truth be told, I didn’t know a GODDAMNED thing about cars!

There she was, a Ferrari red, rare 1972 Fiat 124 Coupe with a straight body sitting in my uncle’s wrecking yard. It had a “near new” 1600 CC dual overhead cam 4 which the former owner used to replace the weaker 1400 CC unit. It had nearly no exhaust as everything from the header back was rusted away. Still, when it fired up – the rasp of the Italian 4 banger was awesome. The interior was in good shape and it had brand new looking carpet.

My friend had a similar idea but opted for a 1976 VW Super Beatle. This was the way to go for a beginner, but I knew it all and was no “beginner”! Besides, a bug verses a hot Italian number? There was no denying how good my car looked and all I needed was a book or two on how to fix a few odds and ends.

How hard could it be?

I had about $5,000 savings in the bank just begging to be blown on a cool toy. So, I bought it for $500 bucks and borrowed one of my uncle’s garages. Man, a cool and unique Italian car with a back seat to impress the girls as I carved the canyons! All I had to do is clean it up and replace a few things.

Six months later: I sold the car back to my uncle in pieces for $250 and a negative balance in my savings account. My Fiat turned into a 1992 Chevrolet pick-up truck. Strangely, this is the same truck I vowed to replace with my Ferrari red Fiat that would be fully restored.

Apparently, the rusted out exhaust system and the completely rusted out floorboards that were covered up by the new carpet should have been my first clue that something was wrong. The frayed, crispy wiring and leaky gaskets should have been my next clue. When I took it for its first spin (after buying it), I noticed the driver’s seat felt loose. It turned out later that all the seat brackets were nearly rusted off.

Before I began work, even my father – who knew his older cars – warned me that I was getting in way over my head. But I knew it all and would show them all. I mean, it was a cool looking car. Sure, it needed work, but I could slowly replace bits and pieces that needed it. Way cooler than a VW Bug!

Italian cars are like Italian food: sweet to look at and taste, but not very good for you.

Once I began dissembling the Fiat, I realized that nearly every part was corroded and many bits (nothing important, just nuts and bolts made specifically for that car) were ruined and I simply tossed. I torched out the severely rusted bits and was left with next to no body. I wasn’t worried, there were plenty of Fiat 124 convertibles out there and I could pick and choose – right?

No.

The 125 Coupe shared few components with the 124 convertible. In fact, it was a completely different car. Apparently, the gaskets and timing belt alone ran me much more than what I paid for the car. A ‘donor’ 124 Coupe was difficult to find and once I did, it was worse off than the one I purchased.

Then came the wiring… Did I mention that this was an Italian car? The only instructions I had on hand were written in Italian and this was before the internet so translation was slow and painful. The wiring harness came from Italy and cost me 3 times what I was expecting. The local repair books only covered the damn convertible! I never got it to turn over and somehow reversed the ground. Once, the dual Weber carburetors shot out flames! And that was as close as I came to reviving the engine.

In desperation and with less than half of my original budget left, I began calling Italian garages. Some laughed; one offered his prayers, a few referred me to super expensive Italian garages than cater to Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Many would only work on one element like the engine or brakes. Not one would even replace a bolt for under 2 grand.

Feeling sorry for me, my father offered to have his friend Jon come to the garage and see if there was any hope. Jon professionally restored cars and understood what it was to look at a pile of parts and see if there was any potential. It took him less than 5 minutes to shake his head and look at me before saying, “What the hell were you thinking jackass?”

Weeks turned to months and I got nowhere with the Fiat. One nice mechanic offered to buy some of the new parts I had acquired. When he saw my pile of parts, he asked me why I didn’t start with something less complicated, like the fricken’ Space Shuttle.

By this time, I was no longer smiling at these jabs.

Defeated, I relented and added further insult to my injury when I saw my friend’s immaculate Bug about a year later. It was beefed up and handled like a discount Porsche. He took his time and researched every element of what he could do BEFORE he even bought the car. He was smart enough to know his limitations and priced everything with provisions for unforeseeable occurrences. He spent less than I did.

That was back in 92’ and I think his son drives it now.

As for me, when asked about my first attempt at restoring a car, I reply, “I didn’t know anything about cars.” Leave it to the experts BEFORE you make a mistake. Be realistic and go to shows and competitions where you might find someone who is willing to impart some expertise. If you insist on doing it alone, have a few people lined up who might be able to help BEFORE you wind up with a pile of parts.

And for god sakes, unless you really know what you’re doing, stay away from exotic cars!

Unloved on this side of the pond…

By: The Motormensch

For those of you who have been out of touch with news about next year’s season of Formula 1 and you live in North America, here it is: Despite the North American market being one of the largest on the planet for most automotive goods, we’re out. Despite the Canadian fanfare and patronage (since 1967) at the Canadian Grand Prix Montreal, it’s over.

Even though billions of American dollars surreptitiously finding their way into world wide automotive manufacturing – we are no longer needed. The United States has proven to have a voracious apatite for racing and millions of us lesser creatures truly love F1 racing… (Sigh) oh well.

Not a single race will be on this continent next year. He pulled the plug on both. By saying “He” I mean little lord Ecclestone. He is the demigod of Formula 1 racing and whatever he says goes.

Some people (who work for him) say that we were a deteriorating market or that it made little fisc sense to keep crossing the pond to race here.

I dare say, Mr. Ecclestone (who is near the legal U.S. limit for being considered a “Dwarf”) came to the states many years back and had a bad experience. Probably at Disneyland; he must have been pulled out of line and measured for Autotopia or something. The funny part is that I could imagine him standing there with his ridiculous hairdo contemplating the purchase of the Disney Corporation when it happened.

So, sorry North America – wee little Ecclestone no longer considers you worthy…big jerk…